Alors que les témoignages de personnes victimes d’inceste se multiplient, comment les ex-victimes, devenues adultes, pensent-elles la parentalité ? Annie Ferrand, psychologue à Paris, accompagne depuis plus de dix ans des victimes d’inceste dans son cabinet, et au sein d’associations comme la Maison des Femmes de Paris. Elle explique le chemin parcouru par les victimes.
Comment les anciennes victimes d’inceste abordent le fait de devenir parent ? Existent-ils des motifs récurrents ?
Il faut distinguer, dans la notion d’inceste, un certain nombre de sous catégories. Par qui, dans quel cadre, à quelle fréquence, à quel âge ? Les conséquences dans tous les cas, sont immenses. Vivre l’inceste, c’est le pire que puisse vivre l’être humain. C’est-à-dire la destruction psychique par une figure tutélaire. Au niveau de la famille, toutes les relations sont perverties, reformatées pour servir le projet destructeur de l’agresseur. Mais les situations, les types de traumas, les parcours de vie sont tous très éloignés. Elles auront donc toutes des conséquences différentes sur la manière d’être parent.e. Il y a des traumas qu’on appelle « complexes », théorisés par Judith Lewis Herman (Trauma et résilience, 1992), dont les symptômes sont si ancrés qu’ils font partie de la personnalité de la victime. On se retrouve dans des situations où elle va développer des conduites « à risque », comme l’explique Muriel Salmona. Elle ne pourra pas identifier de potentiels agresseurs tout au long de sa vie. Il y a de très forts risques, par exemple, qu’elle se mette en couple avec des hommes ou des femmes – enfin, surtout des hommes – toxiques, voire violents. De plus, dans notre société, la manière dont les hommes et les femmes vont se reconstruire après des violences sexuelles n’a strictement rien à voir. Dans une culture du viol, par définition sexiste, une petite fille victime de violences sexuelles sera recolonisée par le système agresseur, afin qu’elle devienne une bonne victime. Au contraire, la culture du viol va imprégner le comportement et la trajectoire sociale du petit garçon. Il ne va peut-être pas devenir un agresseur sexuel, mais un homme qui peut participer à un climat d’impunité des violences sexuelles.
La grossesse constitue-t-elle un moment charnière dans le parcours de parentalité des personnes ayant été victimes d’inceste ?
Les moments de la grossesse et de l’accouchement sont très significatifs, cliniquement, dans l’observation de reviviscences des violences. La victime va se retrouver envahie par des flashs corporels et visuels des violences passées.
Souvent, chez la victime d’inceste, ils se qualifient par des crampes à l’estomac ou des douleurs autours de la sphère génitale. C’est souvent à ce moment-là que la victime, à la faveur d’un environnement sain, va remettre bout à bout les morceaux, se rendre compte de ce qu’il s’est passé, et entamer une thérapie.
Si vous définissez la grossesse comme un moment retraumatisant, est-ce qu’on peut quand même imaginer des situations où fonder une famille peut-être une sorte de libération, une manière de briser le cycle de violence ?
Dans certains cas, oui, dans une utopie, peut-être, mais il ne faut pas lancer le message que « la grossesse après l’inceste est une libération », parce que ce n’est pas statistiquement significatif. Ensuite, il n’y a pas que la grossesse. Effectivement, si on parle des femmes qui ont été victimes mais qui s’en sont sorties, qui ont rompu avec le système agresseur, qui ne sont plus en contact avec lui ou avec le système familial intoxiqué… Alors là, la parentalité des mères ex-victimes est meilleure que la parentalité des femmes non-victimes. C’est une étude statistique qui a été faite par Karen Sadlier qui le montre (Violences conjugales : un défi pour la parentalité, 2020). Après la grossesse, quand elles ne sont pas en situation de violences conjugales, elles ont des capacités parentales qui sont statistiquement supérieures aux autres parents. Les mères qui ont été victimes d’inceste ont dû développer des formes de vigilances, d’auto-réflexivité et d’auto-régulation sur des questions que les autres parents ne se posent pas.
Depuis l’année dernière, on parle d’une vague #MeToo de l’inceste, est-ce que vous la ressentez dans l’accompagnement des mères ayant été victime dans leur enfance ? Ou bien se limite-t-elle à un phénomène médiatique ?
C’est vrai qu’au niveau des médias, on en parle un peu plus. Mais on n’est pas du tout sur les mêmes proportions que la vague “me too”. Alors que pourtant, il y a un nombre massif d’enfants victimes (NDLR : Une personne sur dix a été victime d’inceste, selon le rapport de la Ciivise*). Malheureusement, ce que je vois sur le terrain, c’est que non seulement il y a une absence d’amélioration de la situation, mais même un durcissement. Je trouve que depuis 5, 6 ans, il y a une accumulation de situations ubuesques, en tout cas dans les dossiers que j’ai suivi. On a des enfants qui ont dénoncé de manière très claire des faits de violence, des mères qui ont suivi toutes les étapes, fait tout comme il fallait…et l’enfant est placé chez le père ! C’est là qu’on touche au gros problème. Une fois que les enfants parlent, une fois que les femmes enceintes demandent de l’aide, il n’y a personne pour leur répondre. Les réponses des institutions sont à côté de la plaque, voire toxiques. Il y a un effet iatrogène [un trouble ou une maladie causée par un acte médical] de la prise en charge des victimes. Surtout quand il y a des cas de violences par le père, on va avoir des interprétations terribles, liées aux concepts d’Œdipe, du masochisme féminin, de la mère fusionnelle, la pulsion sexuelle, les fantasmes originels, qui incluent l’inceste… On a des juges aux affaires familiales, des juges pour enfants, des assistants sociaux, qui ont encore les mauvais réflexes.
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*Ciivise : la Commission Indépendante sur l’Inceste et les Violences Sexuelles faites aux Enfants crée en janvier 2021
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